the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
