I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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