Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
