she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
