U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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