I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
