So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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