i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
