Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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