remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
