gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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