Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
