i permit you to call me
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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