im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
