They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
