Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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