i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he puts the penis in happiness.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
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