i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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