I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
