Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
