This is not my ceiling
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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