I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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