Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
