I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
