girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
