she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
