Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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