Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
