I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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