he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
