The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
