I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
