I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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