Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
