Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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