I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
