I wish I only lived at night.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
