He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
