i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
