I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
