I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
