So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
someone owes me an orgasm
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
