Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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