god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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