Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
