I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize