My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
