If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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