I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
