It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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