Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
