He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
