I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
