why do cheetos always look like penises
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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