her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
