I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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