Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
