I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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