I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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