i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
