i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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