I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
