Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
